I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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