I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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