Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
