i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
