even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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