So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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