I'm going to jail i love you
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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