if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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