So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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