Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
