i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
