just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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