why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
