the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
