you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
