dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
