I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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