the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It was confusing and full of hummus
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize