really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
