Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
