everyone is single if you try hard enough
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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