She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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