I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
