Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize