my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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