Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
