Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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