I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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