Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
