I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
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