This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
