I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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