I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
