How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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