I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
