..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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