even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
