please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
