I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
