hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
