benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
