i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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