i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
