Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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