did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
