Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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