That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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