Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
