I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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