so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
