Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
