ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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