i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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