Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
