I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
did you just send me my own nude
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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