Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
