I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
