lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
