News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
