remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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