Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
