Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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