So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
