i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
