i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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