When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
