He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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