My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
